My So-Called Life

12:49pm: An Open Love Letter
Dear Sherwin

It's fair to say that the past few months have been somber and gloomy for me. It has been like living in the dark, as though a big black evil cloud has engulfed me.

I have also felt like there has been a piece missing from my heart, and although I wasn't sure what that piece was, I now realize it was the part I gave to you. Baby, you have been the missing piece of my heart!

Now, slowly, it's as though that piece is being fumbled back into place and I'm starting to see a glimmer of light, just as though someone, somewhere has turned on a light and it's starting to flicker alive.

It's hard for me to explain what the feeling is, all I can say is that when I've been with you lately, the movie I'm watching seems better, the music I'm listening to sounds more alive, even things like doing the dishes is more fun when you're around.

Everything I've ever done in my life has been better, brighter and more exciting when I've been able to share it with you.

I want you to know that the most important thing in my life is you, Sherwin. Nothing beats holding you in my arms, touching your hair and smelling your scent, the one that belongs to you alone.

I would never want you to not know the way I feel about you. I love you baby, I'm sure you must realize that, but for me, that is no longer enough now. I want you to really know how much I love you. But I so dearly need the comfort and the security of knowing that whenever I say, "I love you," you're going to say the same words, too. But I just wish that sometimes you would say them before I do - and make me believe you mean them so much.

I've always felt so lucky you decided to share your life with me, and there's nothing, just nothing, I wouldn't do to make you happy. I just want you to want me. Just like I want you.

There's no price you can put on love. And I know you just can't make love come back to the way it was: I know it'll come back, if, and when it's ready. But I just want you to know that for every ounce of love you give to me, I will give it back to you a thousand times more.

I love and adore you and no one could ever compete with the beauty I see when you stand before me. I would never do anything to hurt you, I want only to love you and re-build our life together. I don't need anyone else but you.

If only I could have come up with the right words to describe the depth of feeling that I have for you, I would have uttered them to you a thousand times.

You're all I've ever dreamt of and you know you are the best thing that ever happened to me.

I love you baby, more than my life... more than my world. You are my world. Life wouldn't be life if I couldn't share it with you. Thank God for you.

Love always,

Jez

10:06am: *sigh*

9:55am:

Hi! I'm busy at work right now. Pati rito its hard to concentrate writing my thoughts. Bear with me. Its been a week since my heart got broken. Still it feels like a part of me died. But I'm alright, I didn't know why I'm not even crying. I'm stronger than my last relationships, I guess. Or I really have Jesus in my heart... in my life. I asked forgiveness... Sherwin's been #1 in my life. Now I believe He's reaching out to me. Thanks also for those who have been praying for me. I know dami nanghihinayang sa relationship namin ni Sherwin. We've been through a lot! Thank you for trying to make me feel better.

7:08pm: Sorry
Sorry I don't have time to write lately. There's no chance yet... to be alone and write about my feelings. I left my diary with Sherwin kasi. I changed my number. It's so hard to move on kung nandiyan pa rin siya. I don't know why he's doin' it. To make me feel better? Mas nasasad pa ako eh! Panglubag loob ano? Or simply he still loves me? I don't know... I really don't know.

6:57am: Love's complicated
Why is love so complicated?
Are we meant to be?
On the inside I am being killed.
I thought it was you and me?
Why do we fight?
Stained tears on my pillow.
I will cry all night.
Just to be with you...

Do you love me?
Sometimes I am frightened.
So why can't we be?
Why is love so complicated...



**I'm so confused right now. Too much pain...Am I starting to feel less love for him na ba? So sad. May hangganan diba? Pero I love him so talaga! Well, bahala na si Lord.**

8:49pm: Hayy, hirap left hanging. I'm I really being paranoid? Is it just me? Sana nga. Pero sa kinikilos niya iba e. Normal na ba hindi magparamdam sa howe mo? Busy? Busy!?! I did consider it. I know how tough his work is & how hard is it to be away. To & fro pa sya to Olongapo-Balanga. Wala na eh. Kung 'di ako magtetext, 'di rin siya magtetext. Or kahit ako text ng text, siya kahit ano wala. What do you think? I have a point naman 'diba? Call? Asa pa ako tawagan niya ako para lang mangamusta. Call him? Asa pa ako sagutin niya calls ko. He never did. At times yes he did, alleluia! Ni-missed call wala. He really changed & pina-obvious niya pa. It started lang naman nung before mag Holy Week eh. Dami time to singit a text..kahit habang tumatae. Ano ba naman yun? Kaya nga may celphone e! Mas mahirap pag 'di pa uso. Dating sa kanya ino-obliga ko siya. Wala raw sakalan at ipitan. Daymz. Kung kailan niya raw gusto magtext, magtetext siya. Ganun na pala ngayon.

Then nung Saturday, when I wanted to see him... dating sa kanya hinuhuli ko siya. Huh? Parang duh!? ano yun? Ang layo yata. Ba't napasok yun? So meron nga?! May dapat mahuli? Purkit 'di ko sinabi I'll be in Gapo. Nagbabasakali ako & I wanted to suprise him. The nerve magalit. Ako walang karapatan magtampo? Ba't pa raw napapraning ako?!

I have no idea. Ni-magkwento sa akin wala. Explain wala e. We don't communicate na. Til "I'm home." "Paalis nako" "Nyt na" Effortless! Kaya ito ako naman the whole day magtitis. See? Dedma.

Til wait pa rin ako. It hurts so much na. Could it be signs na ito na ayaw na niya? Nilalayo na niya sarili niya sa akin? I don't know! Ayoko mag-isip masama. Nakakapag isip lang ako dahil sa kilos niya. It's not him at all. Bigla gone cold. Pinagpipilitan ko nalang siguro sarili ko. I'm the one mag-isa nalang sa relationship. He's not working with me anymore. I still  wanna know he's side..wait ko lang naman talaga siya e.

Heto lang: Pag gusto, may paraan. Pag ayaw, maraming dahilan. O sige na... I shouldn't be writing in details here. Public! Hehe. Dami ko na rin nasulat sa diary ko. Pray, pray, pray! Ciao!

7:59pm: Pain and Tears
The tears I cried for you, all the pain I feel
I didn't want to love you, but my heart you did steal.

I thought you were my fairy tale, my dream when I'm not sleeping
Then came the tears I cried, the nights I stayed up weeping.

Why did I let myself believe that wishes do come true.
Cause the only wish I ever made was to always be with you.

I could cry a million rivers, and feel all this pain
But it would only make you happier knowing you're to blame.

And as the thoughts get tiresome, my heart bleeds more and more.
These feelings won't last forever, time will heal my soar.

No matter what you do, in my heart is where you'll stay.
So don't sit there and watch as I slowly fade away.

So tell me do you like watching me cry?
Do you like watching as I slowly begin to die?

Because that is what you're doing, killing me inside.
And even when my heart does mend, I won't forget the times you made me cry.

Just always remember, I'll always be thinking f you.
And maybe just maybe, my wishes will come true.

3:54pm: I'm back!
When something is close to your heart, share it.-Michael Chang

Sometimes, amid the busyness and distrations of this complicated world, we may fail to share our possessions, our talents, or our time. Yet, God commands that we treat others as we wish to be treated. God's word made it clear: We must be generous with others just as we seek generosity for ourselves.

As believers in Christ, we are blessed here on earth, and we are blessed eternally through God's grace. We can never fully repay god for His gifts, but we can share them with others. When we give sacrificially, our blessings are multiplied. . . and so is our joy.

It is a joy to share my faith. I found something so special that i want others to share in it.

3:23pm:

What is a good quote for you? by grlinterupted
Name
Color
Say what??	"sigh"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

3:28pm: Update
Eto so far...

OCT 23 Sat
-Sherwin and I went to Robinson's Angeles. The mall's quite small...we juz watched Raising Helen. Then we went to Clark. Pure Gold Duty Free!

OCT 24 Sun
-We had a talk with mum about the issues at Church. Shempre medyo down kami ni Sho...

OCT 25 Mon
-Red Alert!!! Ugh!
...I haven't slept really well 'cause I feel freaky...ghosts even the magnanakaw who tried to get in the house.

OCT 26 Tues
-Sherwin went out with Josh, Eman and Jun-jun but he still came by the house.

OCT 27 Wed
-Sherwin gave the message sa prayer meeting. It's something about contentment.
...I was able to sleep na pero still pagising-gising.

OCT 28 Thurs
-Me and Sherwin watched Shark Tale...last full show sa Center Mall. The movie was fine. We liked the part nung si Lenny(?), the shark disguised as a dolphin. Haha!

OCT 29 Fri
-Cassette player issue between Pep & Sho...hayy....hirap din dedmahan with mah sis...

OCT 30 Sat
-Nagpractice ako for Sherwin & mine na special number sa Church...Show me the way... hehe...
...also for the back-up.

OCT 31 Sun
-I had a talk with the pastor after the service.
...we went to Eternal Memorial w/ Sho & mum

NOV 1 Mon
-Memorial! And I got to be w/ Sherwin. =)

NOV 2 Tues
-Inayos na namin yung issue w/ Pep...Pastor Rogel dropped by to help...And thank God ok na!

NOV 3 Wed
-NagNet kami ni Pep...I juz checked on my emails...puno na ng bulk mails! Ugh! Friendster na rin & stuff. Then we dropped by sa lumber to see Sherwin...he was feeling a li'l sick.
...prayer meeting at the evening...

So yan na! Sowee itz not in detailed, ha. Gotta go na rin siguro...mmwah!

4:49pm: I miss blogging!
Waaah, wala kaming internet access!!! Can't update anytime na. Oh well...

Happy naman ako these days. *-_-*

Badtrip lang...on the way kanina here sa Net Cafe here sa Metro Mall habang naghihintay ng trike, may nanghagis sa akin ng drink. Ugh! Buti nalang ubos na at hindi ako nadumihan. Yun isang ayoko here sa province...ang babastos ng tao. Gago!

Hayun...wala lang...

2:28pm: Break up Songs
Bought a CD yesterday, THE ART OF LETTING GO!
So nice! Newly-released lang sya and currently #3 Bestseller sa Tower Records!

Here are the songs:
1. Day You Went Away - Wendy Matthews
2. Somewhere Down The Road - Barry Manilow
3. How Do You Heal A Broken Heart - Chris Walker
4. Is There Something (Live) - Christopher Cross
5. I'll Never Get Over You - Expose
6. I'll Say Goodbye For The Two Of Us - Expose
7. She's Out Of My Life - Michael Jackson
8. The Art Of Letting Go - Mikialia
9. What Do We Mean To Each Other - Sergio Mendes
10. Separate Lives (Acoustic) - Stephen Bishop
11. It's The Lover Not The Love - Tiffany
12. I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore - Trademark
13. When The Last Teardrop Falls - Blaque
14. Don't Want To Try - Frankie J
15. Broken By You - Jordan Knight
16. Officially Missing You - Tamia
17. I Miss You So Much - TLC

Good buy!
Hehehe.

Wala lang, juz thought of making one. Heto kakaburn ko lang. My heart is not aching now naman. Every now and then masarap din naman magsenti. Actually masaya ako. =)

11:26pm: Why is it the person who makes you cry is the only person who can make it ok?

11:44pm: Time Is All I Need...
Time is all I need...
To get to your heart
Don't let any hate break us apart.
Time is all I need...
To tell you I miss you
And that I want to kiss you
Time is all I need...
To hear what you have to say
And believe if you want to stay......

Here we are again...*sigh* My head is spinning. Tsk. Ewan ko ba...

About sa last locked entry ko, he did dropped by ok...but you know what happened? Take a guess...

So, I'll repeat it Here we GO AGAIN...I did tried and still trying & trying. Everyday my love for him grows. Dami na pagbabago when he came into my life. Kulang pa raw. More effort. Daymz. Hindi niya yata napapansin. It's not the past that's holding me back well a li'l siguro. I'm not much in feelings talaga...not good at it. I'm sorry he feels that way. Hirap. Nagmamatigas ako most of the time but I often fail. Lumalambot kaagad puso ko when I see him lalo na when he gives me a hug. All the bad feelings disappear. Now, eto na naman ako nagtitiis kahit ako rin nahihirapan. Times like these I really don't know what to do. Waah!

11:02pm:

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	beautiful
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

1:31pm: Hey! Got no time to go online lately. Anyweiz, Sherwin got back last Tuesday since then we're unseparable. Last night lang siya ulit umuwi sa house nila. Ayaw pa nga e, he still wanted to stay here with me. Hirap malayo sa mahal mo, ano? I think I'm loving him more and more each day and I don't want to loose this feeling. *sigh*

"You know you love someone, when the moment you can’t feel them under your fingertips you miss them."

"You know you love someone when you sit up all night just to watch them sleep."

1:05am: I'm still drying my hair so I decided to write even though I feel tired and having dysmenorrhea. Buti uminom na ako ng medicine. We came from Raven Resort. Momsy, Pep, Sherwin and I went for a night swimming. Napaka-init naman kasi.

Church was fun...besides the lunch fellowship may suprise post party pa for Tita Rosa and Auntie. All her children were present except Edwin who's in the US.

Sherwin will be leaving early this morning. He was asked to report in Ortigas at 9am on the job he's applying. Although hindi pa talaga alam if he got the job or if ever where siya maaassign, I feel happy and sad at the same time. Mamimiss ko lang siya. Come what may nga...God's will. Hirap palagpasin an opportunity like that. Kung malayo kami sa isa't isa, it is a test for both of us. I already applied din to some Call Centers in Manila. Let's see na rin. If I had to choose you know...I'll still stay here in Balanga. I dunno why but believe it or not I've learned to love it here. Ako'y isang ganap na probinsyana na. Ehehe.

*MwaHugz*

12:51am: Dito na si mOmsy...I'm sleepy na rin and my eyes are itching. Argh. Uso na naman sore eyes! Beware! Waaah, not another eye problem. Kanina kasi mga magkakapatid sa 'Kabataan' may mga sore eyes. Eeek, sige...gonna rest na...Church again later. Hayy, time flies really fast these days...

9:27pm: I'm still not in the mood to write...or tinatamad na ako magkwento/update ng happenings in my life. Ehehe. Here it goes...I'll try to type something...Sherwin and I seem ok na naman but maybe the pain still linger in his heart. *shrugs* Ako I feel fine but worried pa rin ako about that. Hindi ko na siguro siya makakampante...matatakot kaya siya all his life na maagaw ako ng iba? Or na iwanan ko siya or magloko? Saka nakatatak na kaya sa kanya na I've wronged him? Actually, I didn't. He thinks so that is. I'm really really really friendly to people. Madali rin ako magtiwala. Maybe that's a problem.

Oops sorry may interruption. Pep used the PC. Now, I lost my thoughts again. Oh well. I feel happy these past days. I thought nga magbabago rin ako when he comes back, I mean parang may wall between us. Gets ba? But nothing's changed. I still love him deeply. Onti-onti I show him how much I love him and also that I care. I'm not showy sa boyfriends actually. Ayoko yung malandi ang dating e, yung parang you go gaga over a guy. Saka pigil ako sa feelings ko. I'm scared when I give my all, I'll loose a part of me. I don't wanna get hurt too badly anymore. It's like am playing safe nga raw. I'm not into words din...words in the sense na I can tell him face-to-face how I truly feel. Thru like this lang...I know he reads this journal and my blogs...Umm emails, cards and text messages. See now? I'm in the process of learning. Hehe. I haven't been in a relationship like this before. Bago itong pinasok ko. And I'm willing to learn...I'm learning lots!

Hafta jump subjects ha. Bare with me. Nyay! Nung Friday...yes, Friday's off si Sherwin. As usual he awaken me. Funny on how he woke me up...dinadaganan ako!! Teka, funny ba yun? Irritating! Ahaha. Ayos lang. He would hug and kiss me naman afterwards. *winkz* We normally just hang around in the house. Pero nung hapon sumama ako sa practice for the 'Kababaihan' then we had a late dinner at Joyous. Dami tao! May SMB drinking contest pala per barangay.

Kanina naman...ayy kahapon na...It's 12:08am. Pep just went to sleep and mum's out on a gimick. So, yun..I woke up early and tag along with mum. The 'Kababaihan' of Lord Jesus Fellowship celebrated their anniversary. It was fun watching them sing or dance with the matching Filipiniana costume pa ha. Sherwin and I left for lunch. NagMcDo kami. Yum. I was so full my heart burned buti nawala. Then nag roadtrip kami to Mariveles. Never been there e. There's no place to go rin. When we got there, we dunno where to go so we checked on this market...Tiangge type. Hayun, then went back na rin to Balanga. We have to part ways na...I feel sleepy/tired na nun dapat nga stay pa ako sa Church sa practice for tomorrow. Got home and slept. Wait, I'm goin' to save this entry na muna...baka mawala pa. Haba na natype ko. Tuloy ko nalang habang I'm waiting for mum. Or I should sleep na ulit...text ko nalang si mOmsy. Mwah!

2:50pm: Actually I don’t know how I feel right now...it’s indescribable. Mixed emotions I suppose. Worried. Happy. Scared.Giddy......

I've been seeing Sherwin again about (2 days?) since he came back from Manila. We talked and compromised. It's nice to be back again in each others arms.

Sorry, I can't write anymore...I guess I'm not in the mood to write...

2:48pm: The Past - Ray Parker, Jr.
I was wrong when I hurt you
But did you have to hurt me too
Did you think revenge will make it better?
I don't care about the past
I just want our love to last
There's a way to bring us back together

CHORUS:
I must forgive you (I must forgive you)
You must forgive me too (we must have to try)
If you wanna try to put things back the way they used to be
(honey let's start again)
'Cause there's no sense in going over and over
The same things as before
So let's not bring the past back anymore
(no looking back, we can't look back)
(honey let's start again)

Out of all the good we had
You only keep track of the bad
Though you knew I never really loved her
Didn't anyone tell you yet
That to forgive is to forget
How can you be mad if you don't remember

CHORUS:
I must forgive you (I must forgive you)
You must forgive me too (we must have to try)
If you wanna try to put things back the way they used to be
(honey let's start again)
'Cause there's no sense in going over and over
The same things as before
So let's not bring the past back anymore
(no looking back, we can't look back)
(honey let's start again)

I must forgive you
And you must forgive me too
It's the only thing that's left that we haven't try to do
One thing I'm sure will work
That we haven't tried before
Let's not bring the past back anymore
(no looking back, no looking back)
(honey let's start again)

3:34pm: Gusto ko ng theSims2! Asteeg! Langya may Sims2 na pala ang eagames. Ergh.

3:38pm: Home alone though lola is here with me...the house seems empty. Achie Pepz is still in school. She's busy naman e and mum went out with her friends to Bagac...picnic, I guess. Kanina pa ako mag isa, eto juz killing time. Here are some quotes nalang...quote for the day...mwe, mwe. Ugh!

*Don't make my mistake. Don't let yourself be so angry you stop loving. Because one day you'll wake up from the anger, and the person you love will be gone.
*There was one time I fell in love with someone special, I told myself that I wouldn’t gave up on that someone. But one day, I did. Why? Coz I never knew how much love...could hurt...
*One night the moon said to me "if he makes you cry why don't you leave him?"... I looked back at the moon and said, "Moon, would you ever leave your sky?"
*If love hurts, then love some more. If love hurts some more, then love even more. If love hurts even more, then love till it hurts no more!
*The saddest love is to love someone, to know that they still want you, but the circumstances don't let you have them.
*Have you ever loved only to let him go? Have you ever hate someone & yet love him so? Have you ever missed someone so bad it made you cry? Have you ever been left without knowing why?
*It’s not wrong to still love someone you loved before, but if the love you feel bring tears to someone else be fair `cause you might never know that the one you hurt is the one who could love you even more.
*Don’t let me walk alone; I want to walk by your side. Don’t let me talk to someone else; it's you I want to talk with. Don’t me fall for someone else; it's you I fell in love with.
*I can pretend and say "I can let go of you." I can pretend to smile and laugh with the fact of losing you. I can say I can get over this hurt fast but my heart can't pretend…for deep inside it’s bleeding...

And lastly- - -
“I'm scared that I'm gonna end up alone. I'm scared that I'm always gonna be someone's friend, or sister, or confidant but never quite... someone's everything. Mostly I'm scared I'm never gonna meet a guy that I love as much as I love you.”

1:24pm:

Which Depressed Icon Is You? by drunkaholic
Name
Age
Your Icon
Quiz created with MemeGen!

10:36pm: Life sucks?
I used to think it sucks...well, I still do think so sometimes. Kainis! Why? It is not because of failures naman. I accept failures as trials. All my life, it seems something gets in the way. Broken family. Broke. Broken hearts. Broken dreams. I AM BROKEN. I tried straightening my life but to no avail...but I'm hoping...praying for the best. Lahat nga naman tayo may purpose why we were put in this world.

Sherwin and I are somewhat okay na naman. He came here 2:30am. I refused but he insisted that we should talk. We talked, argued...cried our hearts out...even before that pa when we were talking on the phone. It was actually my first time to cry that much kaninang madaling araw. My heart also breaks with him. I really didn't intend to hurt his feelings & not planning to. How could I hurt someone I love? I don't want to do anything na makakasira sa relationship namin. Honestly, I don't flirt with other guys. Hirap nga sa akin I'm so mabait...too friendly.

Told yah I don't wanna talk if I'm not ready. You might say something that you might regret. I broke up with him...I tried. Dahil sa tingin ko kailangan na. Sobra sobra na. I don't want him to suffer no more. Parang now na habang maaga pa. God, I love him too much kahit anong isipin niya bad things about me...I'll accept.

One more thing is lagi na niya ako iniisip. I think may nakakalimutan na siyang iba because of me. Jez nalang ng si Jez. Ako rin naman some friends of mine told me that hirap na akong hagilapin, busy sa boyfriend. But I find time for myself, my family & others. Isa sa kinaiinisan ko now is the church people. Church people pa man din, ha. We don't do chismis. I'm upset. I look up at them pa man din. Ba't pa sila kailangan makialam sa buhay ng may buhay? Sa relationship namin ni Sherwin most especially. Now, napagsabihan na naman ako ni Mommy. Tapos sabi raw sa church anong klase raw relationship meron kami ni Sho. Away-Bati, away-bati. Naapektuhan daw siya. Dati na meron na sabi sabi about us. I strive to ignore it. Pero shempre nakakadisappoint. Nakakalungkot...na nakakaiyak. Hayy, hirap maging sikat ano? Dami intriga. Leche naman! P@#*-i$^! Gimme peace naman kahit isang buong linggo. Hanggang kailan pa ako magtiis? Hayy buhay...

Si Sherwin natuloy na sa Manila without me. Too bad, I couldn't come. He'll be back by Monday pa. Oh btw, he dropped by this morning before he went off. 'Di niya ako natiis at 'di ko rin siya matiis. We thought we'll loose each other...I just pray nothing goes wrong. Sana nga makayanan namin lahat yan.

Hafta attempt to sleep na. Mum's bugging me na so I could come to Church tomorrow. Oh well...

I'm missing him...